CandyO, on 30 January 2012 - 04:18 PM, said:
well Fatima F, it's called The Rules. The Rules have changed over time. If I were to hazard a guess I would say that they have been around since we first climbed out of the trees and found some nice caves. The Tribe makes The Rules; what the male should do, what the female should do, what is proper and correct when it comes to the Art Of Courtship. Does it makes sense? Not to me. But in some societies, in some centuries, maybe it did. Maybe it did.
Even when a section of society tries to break or even bend the rules [the hippies of america in the 1960's for example] it led to more Rules. "there will be no more rules." So complicated!
I think the most important part of your rant is that you found someone you thought was great but as you got to know him, you realized that perhaps your values and beliefs were not as compatible as you first thought. Major kudos for that, because it puts you ahead of those people, male OR female, who feel they must be part of a couple in order to be "complete". And when I say ahead, I do not mean to disparage those who believe that - but in my opinion that's a lot of pressure, needing to find "the perfect someone else" in order to be happy. I think being a free agent is a heck of a lot easier.
I don't know what you should do either. It is a different culture from mine. But if you really like him, and I mean REALLY like him as in want to spend time with him regardless of what the outcome might be, even if it may only be friendship and nothing else... I don't see the harm in saying that.
"I like you and I enjoy spending time with you." It's a pretty honest statement. No pretense, and who knows what might happen.
Thank you soo much for the comment Candy!
I agree with what you say and I believe that most of what we do or follow come from traditions of the past, or even the nature of human being. I don't want to break these rules, cuz they became rules when people realized that they're the best possible path, though it sometimes hurts you when you find them preventing you from doing something.
I know that starting a relationship needs a mutual agreement, so I hate it when a guy/a girl sticks to someone when he/she knows that the other person has no interest in them. But that may be acceptable for guys cuz well, they're the one who actually start this whole things. But if a girl gets rejected, it's absolutely humiliating. And that's what I'm afraid of.
Therefor, I don't really think 'asking that person out', considering the awful environment I'm in, is a good idea although it could be very casual start.
Thanks again
Mistressred, on 31 January 2012 - 08:58 PM, said:
I think it is a good approach to find a common interest, and then try to make friends. I don't know if that entails studying together, movies, getting something to eat, or help with something. I do know that for guys a really strong statement is scary to them for the most part. And being fake or pretending to like everything they like, to try to get an in with them, is just not worth it. I think if you have things to talk about, if you have some common interests, and can ask the guy if he would like to share in them, rather than asking him out, you will get to know way more about him, and a friendship can lead to more, but a strong approach may just lead to him turning you down, or telling you he is with someone. If you start by trying to be a friend you will find out all this first.
If "New Guy" keeps saying yes to hanging out together, chances are he is interested.
Thanks Mistressred for the suggestion!
That's exactly what I'm looking for, an angle that can lead to more conversations and a stronger friendship.
As for the first guy, I no longer think we have a chance cuz we've been close friends for like 2 years and if anything more than a friendship was in between, we would be in a serious relationship by now. But even for him, I was the one who started the friendship by coming up with different topics or common interests. And since I've tried this method once and failed, I'm pretty pessimistic about it this time.
Although this new guy (somehow rebound guy!) actually started the friendship, that doesn't mean that he wants something more serious. And to be honest, I'm tired of waiting. I know that jumping into something this important will cause nothing but regret, though It's just exhausting. Despite the reference in the topic's name, I'm not looking for a 'Romance' right away, a good friendship as you said is much better since I'm honestly in need of a bosom friend right now.
Woooof, it's soooo complicated for me. There are a lot of other things going on around here that make matters worse. I may explain them in another post.
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