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The Mars Bar


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#2261 CandyO

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Posted 09 March 2012 - 04:34 PM

3 years ago, 2012 seemed so far away. Now it's here and almost 1/4 over. Let's make the most of it.

One of my most favorite tech support jokes of all time, old skool:

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine,which truly baffled me because the only true colours are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.

I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly,

"Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"


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#2262 Mistressred

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Posted 09 March 2012 - 05:38 PM

Lifts a glass... Happy Birthday Shannon, here's to a set of pink lungs... keep it up.

#2263 CandyO

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Posted 14 March 2012 - 02:40 PM

Two aliens, Zathar and Caad, landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached the gas pumps and Zathar said to it "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader. "

The gas pump, of course, did not respond.

Zathar repeated the greeting and there was still no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump's haughty attitude, Zathar drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling, we come in peace. Why do you dare ignore us this way? Take us to your leader now, or I will be forced to fire upon you."

Caad began to warn his comrade, "No, you must not anger him................", but ...before he could finish his warning Zathar fired upon the gas pump.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness (aliens have tough skin) Zathar turned to Caad and said "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you determine it to be so dangerous?"

Caad answered, "If there is one thing I have learned in my travels throughout the galaxy, it is that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, don't mess with him."

It was a beautiful day today. Sunny. Warmish.
Margarita Season is right around the corner. :)

#2264 CandyO

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Posted 02 April 2012 - 03:17 PM

A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer. As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voise saying seductively, 'You've got nice hair'. The man looked all around him but couldn't see where the voice came from.

A minute later he heard the same voice saying, 'You are a handsome man.' The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on.

The barman replied, 'It's the nuts - they're complimentary.'

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#2265 Mistressred

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Posted 02 April 2012 - 06:13 PM

ooohhh that was a bad one lol. :P

Canadian joke

A seal walks into a club...... :huh:

#2266 Fedra

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Posted 03 April 2012 - 01:07 AM

I know another animal joke, hope you'll like it  ;)

There's a bull called Hanniball and he's in love with a cow.
He realy wants to go to her but there's barbwire inbetween them.
But one day he just can't wait anny longer so he jumps over the wire.
COW: Oh Hanniball, you're finaly here  :wub:  !
BULL: You can call me Hanni, my balls were caught in the wire ...

:lol:  since i had to translate it it's not as good as the original one but i hope you get it  :)

#2267 Aneczka

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Posted 03 April 2012 - 08:52 AM

More beer coming up. Kinda cheap and not the-best-beer-ever, but brand's name is catchy :lol:

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#2268 CandyO

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Posted 03 April 2012 - 01:47 PM

Ahhh cheap beer and bad jokes. I like it. :)

Three strings arrive at a bar. The bar has a sign that clearly says, "No strings," but they decide to try anyway. The first string approaces the bartender and says, "Give me a drink!" The bartender says, "No, we don't serve strings here." and sends him away.

The second string decides that politeness is they key to success, so he walks up to the bartender and says, "Please, mister bartender, may I have a drink?" The bartender says, "No, we don't serve strings here." and sends him away.

The third string then has a sudden idea. He goes into the bathroom, messes up his hair, and tucks his head into his belt. He then walks up to the bar and asked the bartender for a drink. "Excuse me." says the bartender, "But are you a string? "

The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

#2269 Mistressred

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Posted 04 April 2012 - 07:31 AM

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"


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#2270 Mistressred

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Posted 04 April 2012 - 07:33 AM

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"

The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".   :P

#2271 CandyO

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Posted 04 April 2012 - 02:02 PM

:lol:
I saw the monkey pool ball one when I found the nuts joke... it was a tight race.
hahaa I just laughed out loud [seriously, out loud] at dog balls

So, a snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you."
"Why not?" asks the snake.
The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."

I see your Argus beer and raise you
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Contreras Mars Especial a Belgian Pale Ale from Brouwerij Contreras in Gavere, Belgium

#2272 Fedra

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Posted 05 April 2012 - 02:33 AM

Gavere? That's only 40 min. away from me  :blink: .
Next time i go to see Mars i swear i'll take one of those with me  ;)



Top ten signs that you are too drunk


10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

#2273 Aneczka

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Posted 05 April 2012 - 07:53 AM

Fedra I would add to the list:
11. You are unable to find your mouth with a glass.

Me likes those silly bar jokes :lol:
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#2274 Fedra

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Posted 05 April 2012 - 11:38 AM

New and updated list with an amazing nuber 11 thanks to Aneczka



Top 11 signs that you are too drunk


11. You are unable to find your mouth with a glass

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

#2275 CandyO

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Posted 13 April 2012 - 02:22 PM

Yes, Gavere. See? The random things we learn from random things... it's fun!

:lol: you guys keep me laughing

An Englishman, American, and Irishman, all walk into a bar and order a beer. The bartender hands them their beer, however there are flies in each mug of beer.
Well the Englishman pushes the beer aside and says, "That's disgusting."
The American pulls the fly out and starts drinking the beer.
The Irishman pulls the fly out, sets it on the counter and shouts, "SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD."

#2276 Aneczka

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Posted 24 April 2012 - 10:49 AM

When I saw this I instantly thought about this particular thread :lol:

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#2277 Jibril

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Posted 24 April 2012 - 12:30 PM

View PostAneczka, on 24 April 2012 - 10:49 AM, said:

When I saw this I instantly thought about this particular thread :lol:

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*rofl* Thatīs a nice one.  :lol:

#2278 CandyO

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Posted 24 April 2012 - 03:51 PM

View PostAneczka, on 24 April 2012 - 10:49 AM, said:

When I saw this I instantly thought about this particular thread :lol:

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hahaa! :lol:

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#2279 CandyO

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Posted 05 June 2012 - 03:05 PM

The Spoon

(A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.)

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.

I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of your you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."


#2280 Mistressred

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Posted 06 June 2012 - 08:45 PM

^ ewwww..... I just saw the Seinfeld episode where a guy was cooking up a special pizza, but he did not wash his hands and Jerry saw him walk out of the bathroom and start prepping pizza dough....I fear this may be the case sometimes.
Have you ever seen girls walk out of the bathroom without washing their hands? I did... you wanna say something already. :unsure:




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