Communication is important. Our entire civilization owes a great deal to those first two monkeys who decided to put the fistfuls of feces down and use their voices to communicate. Since that day we've developed increasingly sophisticated methods of relaying information to each other: there was writing, then telephones, then computers and cell phones. All of these innovations have been undeniably helpful in furthering our society, but one more recent invention could erase all of that evolution and send us right back to throwing poop at each other. What's worse is that this invention has been enthusiastically seized upon by one type of person in particular. His name is not important, he doesn't need one. He is simply...
Bluetooth Guy
With his trusty Bluetooth earpiece firmly embedded on his head, you can see this guy talking loudly to the air almost anywhere talking is permitted. Sometimes, just to rub it in your face, he'll hold his expensive phone in his hand while he arches his head skyward and laughs at a joke you, mercifully, didn't hear. If he ever finishes a call - which, mind you, never seems to happen - he'll shoot you a smug look. "Oh," his eyes say, "I didn't see you standing there. I was too busy leading the charge into a brave new world of wireless communication." Then he'll immediately call someone else to tell them about the guy he just saw who didn't have a Bluetooth earpiece and before you know it, he's back to laughing.
Like the memory of seeing your parents boning, the earpiece will never leave his head: he wears it in class, he wears it in the dining hall, he wears it in his house. He'd wear it during sex but he'll probably never get the opportunity. He wears it regardless of whether or not he's talking on the phone. In those rare instances where he's not tilting his head back and laughing, he'll appear to be a normal human. Well, a normal human with a stupid piece of blinking plastic protruding from his ear.
Also, the laws that govern cell phone etiquette apparently don't apply to him. He's chatting away on the elevator, pissing everyone off. He's laughing it up on the bus, turning a boring ride into a miserable one. He's discussing the previews for upcoming movies with a friend at the theater until .001 second before the actual movie starts. He will talk on his earpiece anywhere he can get a signal which, depressingly, seems to be everywhere.
In theory, Bluetooth earpieces are fantastic. Unfortunately, they turn anyone who straps one on into an enormous douchebag. Take a look at Bluetooth guy. Go ahead, look at him. That arrogant, annoying, smug asshole holding his Treo and laughing at the sky was once just like you, and that's the worst part. You are only one $70 purchase from becoming a massive shithead, just like Bluetooth Guy.
Terrible.
MORE!
People You Hate: The Campus Crusader
You're innocently walking from your dorm to class, when suddenly
someone comes up to you. They look normal enough: White button down
shirt, red tie, black pants and shoes, and a big cross around their
neck. Yes, you are face to face with the campus crusaders.
"Jesus loves you," he says as he hands you a little book. This thing
is no bigger than your cell phone, yet it has every book of the Bible,
with three different interpretations, and an introduction from his
pastor.
"What is this?" you ask. Wrong question.
"This is your life. This has all the answers to all of lifes most
conplex questions, brother." Now you, being the smart ass that you
are, decide to challenge this statement, with a simple, "Oh really?
Can it tell me if I'll hook up with that hot chick who sits in front of
me in Psych class and always wears her shirt a little too small so she
can show off that sexy tramp stamp of hers?"
At this, the campus crusader goes from kindly missionary to evangelical
exorcist. "Your sinful ways will land you a one way ticket to the
anals of hell! I tried to save you, but if you continue to reject our
lord Jesus Christ and have pre-marital intercourse with harlots, then
you will spend an eternity playing charades with Satan!"
You calmly try to reason with him. "Dude, it was just a joke..."
"Jesus hates jokes! Jesus hates tattoos! Jesus hates alcohol and
coffee! Jesus hates you!"
"I thought you told me that Jesus loves me..."
"Go to hell, sinner."
The Campus Crusader: Almost as bad as showering without sandals.
ANOTHER!!!!
It's a Thursday night, but your just not up for hitting the party scene. You're tired, you have to get up for class tommorrow, and it might be pretty relaxing just kicking back and watching a movie. The night is going pretty good...the movie is decent, you ordered some pizza, and a the girl you invited to hang out with you is finally letting you approach first while she brushes your inner thigh. Things look like they are progressing nicely, but don't hold your breath. Somebody bangs your your door, and you reluctantly get up to see who it is. Queu...
DOUCHE BAG ALCOHOLIC ON YOUR FLOOR
You actually don't mind alcoholics, and love to party every weekend when it's possible. Hell, you've even partied with this guy a few times. But after those few times, you spot the flaws in this individual. First of all, this guy is so ugly, he couldn't attract Courtney Love, so just associating with him at a party cancels out vagina for the night. His personality does not help the situation at all. He's not funny, does amazingly stupid and annoying stuff while he is drunk, but he can't tell stories well or is to drunk to remember, so you can't even hear about his antics in any sort of humorous fashion. So he's not even a fun alcoholic.
It doesn't improve your mood any when he demands you drive him to Taco Bell at 1:00 on a week night when you are completely sober. You've long avoided this guy, since his constant badgering to you that you both should get drunk at 4 in the afternoon on a Wedensday made you realize this guy is a total twat, especially since he only gets Keystone when everyone knows it's watered-down horse piss. And the Coup de Grace...this guy gets better grades than you without trying, all the while being completely annihilated 80% of the time.
As you think about this, he starts to piss on your RA's door. Greaat. We won't here about this tommorrow from the Complex Coordinator.
He's effectively pissed you off, ruined your date, probably succeeded in getting your whole floor put on probation for no reason, and makes you contemplate never drinking again so you never end up like him.
AND LASTLY!!!!
That bitch who thinks every class is a fucking game of jeopardy
You come into class late, soaked, and stoned, and go to the back of the room to zone out for the next two and a half hours. Maybe doodle, relaxing, surrounded comfortably by other people that don't give a shit about astronomy.
But then a fat chick with glasses (I swear they are all fat and have glasses) walks in, sees your friendly stoned ass, and sits next to you. Then the lecture begins, and you enter your own calm universe. Nirvana.
Only to be jerked out of it by the bitch next to you trying to finish the professor's sentences. You can tune out the professor easily enough, but this chick right next to you is blowing hot stink out of her mouth flaps and she just won't stop. You can hear the professor talking now, "...the theory of-" "relativity" the festering pile of crap next to you belches softly.
Wow. Good job you pudgy little rectum. We're in a lecture about lightspeed travel and you somehow managed to see into the future and understand that the professor was going to say "theory of RELATIVITY."
You should volunteer yourself to be the first moron they try out the nuclear fusion rocket with. Maybe then you'll get the attention you're so desperately vying for. I came to class to zone out, or at the very least to half-listen to the professor, not to hear your little snippets of idiot-speak.
