[Lonewulf]

I would love any and all advice/suggestions on how to deal with this right now, or what I can do to play along to my advantage. I am in a bad place right now.

Okay, this may get long but I wll try to be brief.

6 month relationship ended about 2 weeks ago. Awesome girl. Her body is to die for, her laugh is infectious, when she tries she is the most caring person I have ever known, all around she really is just a beautiful person. We have tons in common, and we work together at a gym. She's a personal trainer, I'm a plate head. It's just a part time gig for me, like 10-15 hours a week. We have known each other for about 3 years, and I have wanted her since day one. Finally, I got the girl. Anyway, relationship was awesome for the first few months. It was literally disgusting for people to watch us, it was like "I can't live without you love". We got physical on the first date, and it was multiple times a week for the first half of the relationship. We pretty much were seeing, and still are, each other every day working and working out at the same place, and we were together almost every day outside of work as well. She'd call every night before she went to sleep, and almost every day when she got up. It was nice to have a girl that put that much interest into me for once. I am her longest relationship thus far, and per her words I am the only guy she has ever loved.

So, I went all out for her 21st b-day. Money wasn't the issue, I wanted to make her 21st the best b-day she had or will ever have. I succeeded with flying colors, probably to my demise. We also went out driking one night with a large group of friends on her b-day weekend, and on the way home she said she loved me for the first time. I had not said it up to this point, but felt it. That was about the 4 month mark. The next moning we woke up and got it on. (getting graphic here) We had an accident. She is not on the pill, and the protection fell off inside of her without either of us realizing it. Sorry, I know... Anyway, we completely freaked out. Next day we went and got the morning after pill. Not a pleasant experience, but even though I could have handled the consequences if they happened, she could not.

All downhill from that point. By the 6 month mark she had completely disconnected herself from the relationship. She put no effort in anymore, showed little to no affection, never wanted to do anything but lay around, cuddle and watch movies, trying to discuss our relationship was like pulling teeth, she never initiated physical contact, and at most all we ever did anymore was make out. She has these extremely happy days and then days when she is so crabby she can't do anything (debilitating, crying, depressed days where she can't do anything). She's admitted to me that from time to time she would make herself throw up after eating a alot. Obvioulsy there is something wrong inside of her.

She was still calling all the time, but not making time to actually be together anymore. It got so bad, that by the time I broke up with her, we had sex once in 6 weeks. When I confronted her and we talked about it and then unfortunately broke up, she said that the thought of sex disgusted her because of the "accident" above. (she is unwilling to take bc because she is all into wholistic natural stuff for the body, and she won't put drugs into her body (who knows what she is going to do if she ever gets really sick? but anyway)). I explained that from day one she has made it clear that there is no future between us because she doesn't want to ever get married or have kids. I said that if there's no future, then there's only the present, but that she was making no effort on the present any more. The break up was hard.

What I don't get is this. She admitted that her definition of love was not what mine was and that she did not want the type of relationship I did. So, why then did she stay up all night crying the night we ended it? Why did she show up at work the next morning all puffy eyed and crying? Why did she cry for about a week? Why has she called me just about every night since we broke up, before bed? I was going to take her to a concert, but when we broke up I decided against it. she was pissed. I don't blame her. Anyway, she ended up going and working security for the show and stood 30 feet from me the whole time. After the show, I said goodbye and could tell she was mad at seeing me have such a goodtime while she had to have her back to the band all night. The next night she called on her way home from working another concert. She was upset because she was all dolled up to go out with friends afterwards, but it fell through. I was driving back from a buddy's and offered, since she was all dressed up with nowhere to go, to meet her for drinks. She balked. Made some excuses. She called the next day, before bed again. We talked. I explained to her that she lets the smallest changes in plans completely ruin her day or night and then she doesn't want to do anything. She admitted I was right but that she can't control it, then said that it was probably good that we didn't meet the night before because then she would have wanted to come back to my house and sleep with me. She said that she missed my bed, and sex. WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!

This is the girl who said the thought of sex disgusted her. This is the girl who detached herself from loving me or being in love with me after about a month. This is the girl who basically wanted to break up with me but never had the balls to do it, or manipulated me into doing it for her. Now that we are not together, she wants to get it on? The whole week after that particular discussion, when we would see each other at work, she was all smiles and more happy than she had been in months. She was maing all kinds of flirtatious remarks. Now it has died down a bit, but there is still tons of tension. She still calls me at least once every day. God, I can hear her teaching a weight training class right now! Arggh!

What the hell is this girl doing? More importantly, why is she doing what she's doing? I am of the opinion that she is totally toying with me. It sucks royal ass because I still care for her a lot, I think that we could have the best relationship if it were a 50/50 deal, and just a glance in her direction turns me on to no end. I am weak, so I am sure if the opportunity was there I would do her as many times as possible, but I know I shouldn't.

I am fully aware the the best thing to do is just stay away for a while, but in this situation I really can't even if I wanted to. Is there anything left here, or am I a fool for thinking so? If she is toying with me, then how the hell can I combat this and turn the situation to my advantage?

Hope some of you can give me something to go on. Sorry for the life story, but thanks for reading if you made it this far.

[minara]

Hmm Lonewulf. What can I say. I don't want to degrade either you or her, but this is what I think about your situation.

I can tell you that a pregnancy scare can and will mess up your relationship. I know from personal experience. Women who aren't ready to have children find themselves slightly overwhelmed by the prospect of actually having children when it occurs. I think she was probably turned off from having sex with you after the scare, because she didn't want to risk the possibility of getting pregnant. To men, this seems a poor excuse, but by your own admission, she wasn't ready to be a mother.

However, I can see why you would be worried about the lack of sex after 6 weeks. I don't understand why she wouldn't use birth control if she wasn't prepared to be a mother. To me, this is just barking up the wrong tree. The inevitability of getting pregnant while not using birth control is definite. It WILL happen at some point. It is careless and irresponsible. If she felt that this was a meaningful relationship that she wanted to pursue, I could see her not wanting to use protection. But her carelessness is appalling.

As for you breaking up with her, and her being heartbroken, that's understandable. I am sure she probably felt some guilt attached to the sadness of you walking out of her life. I am sure she probably felt like her actions drove you away...which they did, if I am reading your words properly. The idea that you would no longer be a support for her and be in her life was earth-shattering to her. In a way, she continued to call you and whatnot because she wanted you to still be in her life; but some people aren't content to be just friends through this type of circumstance. I am not saying that you weren't supporting her, but I think partially she just wasn't ready to be intimate with you any longer, and felt disconnected from you in that respect. It's no one's fault per se that you broke up, things just didn't work out.

Now when you saw her and asked her to go out, I am assuming this is some time AFTER you broke up. Hence her wanting to have sex with you but being afraid of what that might entail in terms of attachment. It sounds to me like she wants you to be her fuck buddy (sorry for the vulgar term, but that's what they're called) without any strings. Obviously she enjoyed your bed, because you said you were intimate many times in the beginning (which happens all the time because you just can't get enough of each other.) Ultimately, it's your call if you wish to be this to her, but it sounds to me like she's not ready to settle down right yet. She was jealous of you at the concert because she still cares for you but doesn't want you to have fun without her. In a way, she's reminiscing about the fun you guys had together.

She still wants the comfort of your bed and your company, which is why she continues to call you daily. But she doesn't want anything more than that.

You need to decide if you're willing to wait for her. To me it sounds like she's just not ready to be monogamous with just one person. I don't intend to call her a slut or anything, but some people just want casual sex. If you love her, which I think you do, it makes it hard to see someone lead a self-destructive lifestyle (doesn't matter that she works out or whatnot) and I can see why you think she's toying with you.

You should not let her stop you from dating anyone else, if you so choose. You could wait til the cows come home for this girl to come around, but you could be waiting an eternity for something that might not happen.

I say, continue to be her friend, but you MUST resist temptation if she asks you to have sex with her, until you know that she's being honest about her intentions. If you cave, you'll just set yourself up for a fall.

Ok that's what I think, anyways. I may/may not be correct in my assumptions, but this is just what I have gleaned from your description of the situation and how I think you should approach it.

[jenwilson]

Okay, here goes. She loves you. she does. Whether she wants to admit it or not. She's trying to figure out what to do because she's not sure if she is ready to give 100 percent like you are and it scares her a bit. It sounds like you guys hit a bump in the road with the whole condom thing but let me tell you, it has happened to all of us. Girls freak out in odd ways. I.E. No sex. She obviously is attracted to you otherwise it would have been completely done after that moment. She sounds young and unsure of her future and that probably plays a big roll. If you love her (which it sounds like you do) continue to do so without change. Be yourself as you always were and be accessible as you are doing. She sounds like she wants to come back, but make sure you let her know that the relationship HAS to go both ways. It can't be just on her terms. Relationships are not always great. Infact if you haven't had those moments of extreme doubt, frustration, rage, or hate you haven't been in a good relationship! Take it from someone who is married and been there all too many times. Love is crazy and makes you do stupid shit and end up regreting it afterwards. But that's how it is. You take the good with the bad, you can't just take the good. She has to realize that also. Have patience. If you want her, there seems like there will be a bit of work involved. Remember, it's only worth what you are willing to put into it. If it's too much to bare, there are other fish in the sea. But if you're willing to make it work, you have much to do! Tell her you love her, if she says she loves you too and you guys mean it, sit down and figure out how to make it work out best for both of you. It's all about team work!

I wish you all the best and hope I could help a tad. If you just need someone to talk to, I'm usually always on the board, or just e-mail me. We all need a friend to unload on sometimes.

Thanks,
Love,
Jen

jeniffer_wilson@hotmail.com

[Lonewulf]

Thanks to you both for your insight thus far. It's just one of those hopeless scenarios right now in which I know the correct way I need to handle it, but actually being able and willing to do that is such a hard thing. I want it to be something so much and I am aware that I am fooling myself, but somehow I am powerless to do anything differently. Ughh.

[spron]

Whatever this thread is about, I sense a pussy.

Or four.

[Lonewulf]

Whatever this thread is about, I sense a pussy.

Or four.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

technically this thead kind of is about pussy

[spron]

LOL spron.

I'm still going to stalk you though.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yeah, that's cool, but I still don't really know if you're a guy or a girl.

Either way, stalk away, buddy.

[beautifulsoul]

The best thing to do is to try to communicate talk it out and if she doesn't want anything to do with you move on....I know it is hard and I don't want to sound cold hearted but there are tons of fish in the sea! I would never beg anyone to be with me!

[alphadawg7]

She obviously had a huge emothial issue when it came to the pregnancy scare. Therapy would help her immensely. She can't think about sex as pleasure anymore and worries about the consequences. Give her time . . . and therapy.

What is a plate head?

[Dr. Frostbite]

Beat her. It works all the time.

[MademoiselleSecret]

Personally I think it sounds like your girl is suffering from depression. There can be a lot of guilt attached when a pregnancy is terminated...or even a potential pregnancy. I am sure she is grappling with all of that and probably will for some time. Personally I would give her some space. Which means NOT being her "fuck buddy". Be a friend but don't cling too much. In my opinion from what you said it sounds like she really cares about you. I would let her know what you are doing as far as giving her time and why. She obviously has some figuring out to do and if you throw sex in there it could get all disfunctional. It's just an opinion, but it sounds like you really care and that you are willing to do what it takes. Good luck

by the way Spron...there's nothing wrong with a little pussy!

[Salisobres]

She's dumb. Tell her to fuck off. No guy deserves to go through mindgames.