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I need your opinion about a romance issue...


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#1 Fatima F

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Posted 29 January 2012 - 06:29 AM

Well, at first I wanted to write this as a status but then, I thought I may need more advice. I hope there isn't a similar topic about this matter, if there is, just let me know and don't punch me in the face... :P

I was never the kind of person who cares about love or finding that specific soulmate. I mean I was, but not like other girls who think they're deprived when they are single or on the other hand, can't stop chattering about their love for stupid idols or the ones who just wanna grab a guy and show off about having a boyfriend...
But a few years ago, I got to know a few people and I started thinking about my future and stuff. Of course the culture in my country is very different from places like the US or UK or... but what I'm going to ask doesn't necessarily require the same belief.
Two years ago I met a guy in my class, and I started to have feelings for him. I waited for him a lot cuz I didn't really want to go ahead and tell him that I'm into him. I started a remote friendship with him a few weeks later but it just stayed that way. And little by little I found out more things about him and started to realize that he might not really be the type of guy I'm looking for. But you know, you can't just let go that easily. But now I don't believe that there's a chance of us being together so I think the only way to be over that guy, is to find another person, and that's what most people do.
Now I have found that other person but the question is, is it so odd for a girl to declare a feeling of attraction to a guy? Why is it so wrong to ask a guy out or tell him that you want to know about him more? Why does a girl always have to wait until a guy comes forward and tells her these words? I'm seriously confused... :(

To be honest, I feel kinda weird talking about these things in here but then again, what the hell!? None of you know me well enough to judge me so it doesn't matter... :)
And again, sorry for the bad English, it gets even worse when I'm nervous...

#2 I.R.A

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Posted 29 January 2012 - 10:40 AM

It is not weird for any girl to declare a feeling of attraction for a guy. Infact it's pretty normal. It is not worng to ask a  guy out either but it is just more common that a girl waits for the guy to ask her out. It's just human nature. So are you saying that you are feeling you have to ask this guy out?

#3 Fatima F

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Posted 29 January 2012 - 11:05 AM

View PostI.R.A, on 29 January 2012 - 10:40 AM, said:

It is not weird for any girl to declare a feeling of attraction for a guy. Infact it's pretty normal. It is not worng to ask a  guy out either but it is just more common that a girl waits for the guy to ask her out. It's just human nature. So are you saying that you are feeling you have to ask this guy out?

Thanks for the answer!
Well, I think I know him well enough to realize that we have a lot in common, it's not like I just know him by the looks or something. But the truth is, I'm afraid that I might screw things up and since we both go to the same university and the same class, if anything goes wrong, I'll have to deal with the consequences almost everyday.
I try to be friendly all the time, don't want to be introvert or anything. But that's just not good enough.
Plz don't hate me! :D :D I'm just confused...

#4 Prehensile

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Posted 29 January 2012 - 01:09 PM

View PostFatima F, on 29 January 2012 - 06:29 AM, said:

I was never the kind of person who cares about love or finding that specific soulmate. I mean I was, but not like other girls who think they're deprived when they are single or on the other hand, can't stop chattering about their love for stupid idols or the ones who just wanna grab a guy and show off about having a boyfriend...

I don't believe that there's a chance of us being together so I think the only way to be over that guy, is to find another person, and that's what most people do.

That first bolded part accurately describes all girls (and a majority of the boys) from my hometown in California. I've often wondered why many people around my age (20) absolutely cannot stand to be single. For most of them, it's not as if they're financially or emotionally prepared to raise families, but its all they ever talk about where I'm from.  :blink:  

To the second bolded part: the cocktail of hormones that assault your body when you are in love are meant to create a bond that will keep you attached to someone for the length of time it takes to rear a human child (supposedly four years). Once your body gets used to the fact that you are NOT planning to have a kid with someone, you would have an easier time getting over that person.

However starting a new romance to replace the one you cannot continue may just stimulate your body into thinking that you're still in imminent child-raising mode. That could be a great thing if you are trying to establish a long-term serious relationship, but it could be problematic if you only want a fling.

If you definitely like the guy, I don't know what your culture would recommend, but I always thought good guys like women who are open and forthright when it comes to their opinions. You shouldn't have to wait for the guy to make the first move.

#5 Fatima F

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Posted 30 January 2012 - 06:43 AM

View PostPrehensile, on 29 January 2012 - 01:09 PM, said:

However starting a new romance to replace the one you cannot continue may just stimulate your body into thinking that you're still in imminent child-raising mode. That could be a great thing if you are trying to establish a long-term serious relationship, but it could be problematic if you only want a fling.

If you definitely like the guy, I don't know what your culture would recommend, but I always thought good guys like women who are open and forthright when it comes to their opinions. You shouldn't have to wait for the guy to make the first move.

Thanks for your answer Prehensile!
Well, I've never wanted to be with a guy for a couple of days, to have some fun and then go my own way without looking back. And maybe that's the reason why it gets complicated. I mean I know that after spending some time together with someone, you may realize a few important matters which makes you reconsider, but that's different from the previous situation.
The thing is though, as much as some people around me talk about relationships and stuff, they're pretty scared of getting into one (maybe it goes back to my culture since most of the relationships are started with the intention of getting married at the end). And since I'm a someone who looks for a serious type, my chances of finding the right person is affected by this fact.
Overall, I don't really think I'm able to go forward after all. This guys is really nice and even our parents used to work at the same firm (maybe that's another pro) so I don't wanna mess things up. I thought of planning a group meeting or something but that's just out of nowhere... I don't know what I should do. :(

#6 CandyO

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Posted 30 January 2012 - 04:18 PM

well Fatima F, it's called The Rules. The Rules have changed over time. If I were to hazard a guess I would say that they have been around since we first climbed out of the trees and found some nice caves. The Tribe makes The Rules; what the male should do, what the female should do, what is proper and correct when it comes to the Art Of Courtship. Does it makes sense? Not to me. But in some societies, in some centuries, maybe it did. Maybe it did.

Even when a section of society tries to break or even bend the rules [the hippies of america in the 1960's for example] it led to more Rules. "there will be no more rules." So complicated!

I think the most important part of your rant is that you found someone you thought was great but as you got to know him, you realized that perhaps your values and beliefs were not as compatible as you first thought. Major kudos for that, because it puts you ahead of those people, male OR female, who feel they must be part of a couple in order to be "complete". And when I say ahead, I do not mean to disparage those who believe that - but in my opinion that's a lot of pressure, needing to find "the perfect someone else" in order to be happy. I think being a free agent is a heck of a lot easier.

I don't know what you should do either. It is a different culture from mine. But if you really like him, and I mean REALLY like him as in want to spend time with him regardless of what the outcome might be, even if it may only be friendship and nothing else... I don't see the harm in saying that.

"I like you and I enjoy spending time with you." It's a pretty honest statement. No pretense, and who knows what might happen. :)

#7 Mistressred

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Posted 31 January 2012 - 08:58 PM

I think it is a good approach to find a common interest, and then try to make friends. I don't know if that entails studying together, movies, getting something to eat, or help with something. I do know that for guys a really strong statement is scary to them for the most part. And being fake or pretending to like everything they like, to try to get an in with them, is just not worth it. I think if you have things to talk about, if you have some common interests, and can ask the guy if he would like to share in them, rather than asking him out, you will get to know way more about him, and a friendship can lead to more, but a strong approach may just lead to him turning you down, or telling you he is with someone. If you start by trying to be a friend you will find out all this first.
If "New Guy" keeps saying yes to hanging out together, chances are he is interested.

#8 Fatima F

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Posted 01 February 2012 - 01:07 AM

View PostCandyO, on 30 January 2012 - 04:18 PM, said:

well Fatima F, it's called The Rules. The Rules have changed over time. If I were to hazard a guess I would say that they have been around since we first climbed out of the trees and found some nice caves. The Tribe makes The Rules; what the male should do, what the female should do, what is proper and correct when it comes to the Art Of Courtship. Does it makes sense? Not to me. But in some societies, in some centuries, maybe it did. Maybe it did.

Even when a section of society tries to break or even bend the rules [the hippies of america in the 1960's for example] it led to more Rules. "there will be no more rules." So complicated!

I think the most important part of your rant is that you found someone you thought was great but as you got to know him, you realized that perhaps your values and beliefs were not as compatible as you first thought. Major kudos for that, because it puts you ahead of those people, male OR female, who feel they must be part of a couple in order to be "complete". And when I say ahead, I do not mean to disparage those who believe that - but in my opinion that's a lot of pressure, needing to find "the perfect someone else" in order to be happy. I think being a free agent is a heck of a lot easier.

I don't know what you should do either. It is a different culture from mine. But if you really like him, and I mean REALLY like him as in want to spend time with him regardless of what the outcome might be, even if it may only be friendship and nothing else... I don't see the harm in saying that.

"I like you and I enjoy spending time with you." It's a pretty honest statement. No pretense, and who knows what might happen. :)

Thank you soo much for the comment Candy!
I agree with what you say and I believe that most of what we do or follow come from traditions of the past, or even the nature of human being. I don't want to break these rules, cuz they became rules when people realized that they're the best possible path, though it sometimes hurts you when you find them preventing you from doing something.
I know that starting a relationship needs a mutual agreement, so I hate it when a guy/a girl sticks to someone when he/she knows that the other person has no interest in them. But that may be acceptable for guys cuz well, they're the one who actually start this whole things. But if a girl gets rejected, it's absolutely humiliating. And that's what I'm afraid of.

Therefor, I don't really think 'asking that person out', considering the awful environment I'm in, is a good idea although it could be very casual start.
Thanks again ;)

View PostMistressred, on 31 January 2012 - 08:58 PM, said:

I think it is a good approach to find a common interest, and then try to make friends. I don't know if that entails studying together, movies, getting something to eat, or help with something. I do know that for guys a really strong statement is scary to them for the most part. And being fake or pretending to like everything they like, to try to get an in with them, is just not worth it. I think if you have things to talk about, if you have some common interests, and can ask the guy if he would like to share in them, rather than asking him out, you will get to know way more about him, and a friendship can lead to more, but a strong approach may just lead to him turning you down, or telling you he is with someone. If you start by trying to be a friend you will find out all this first.
If "New Guy" keeps saying yes to hanging out together, chances are he is interested.

Thanks Mistressred for the suggestion!

That's exactly what I'm looking for, an angle that can lead to more conversations and a stronger friendship.
As for the first guy, I no longer think we have a chance cuz we've been close friends for like 2 years and if anything more than a friendship was in between, we would be in a serious relationship by now. But even for him, I was the one who started the friendship by coming up with different topics or common interests. And since I've tried this method once and failed, I'm pretty pessimistic about it this time.
Although this new guy (somehow rebound guy!) actually started the friendship, that doesn't mean that he wants something more serious. And to be honest, I'm tired of waiting. I know that jumping into something this important will cause nothing but regret, though It's just exhausting. Despite the reference in the topic's name, I'm not looking for a 'Romance' right away, a good friendship as you said is much better since I'm honestly in need of a bosom friend right now.

Woooof, it's soooo complicated for me. There are a lot of other things going on around here that make matters worse. I may explain them in another post. :)

#9 Jeto_9999

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Posted 05 February 2012 - 05:49 AM

I think you should tell him.
The sooner the better. He's gonna LOVE it!!

#10 Fatima F

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Posted 05 February 2012 - 11:08 AM

View PostJeto_9999, on 05 February 2012 - 05:49 AM, said:

I think you should tell him.
The sooner the better. He's gonna LOVE it!!

But how can I know if he feels the same?! What if he rejects me or worse, humiliates me (I doubt the latter but anyway)? :(

#11 emmaloves30stm

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Posted 05 February 2012 - 12:03 PM

View PostFatima F, on 05 February 2012 - 11:08 AM, said:

But how can I know if he feels the same?! What if he rejects me or worse, humiliates me (I doubt the latter but anyway)? :(

Oh Fatima the perils of dating/love.  I think everyone goes through this dilemma in some part of their life maybe even more than once.  

I have had the same dilemma when I was about 17 and I had like this guy for about 7 month.  It turned he didn't like me in that way and yeah it is embarassing at first but you get up, brush yourself off and become stronger from the situation.  It is just a part of growing up and have life experiences.

If you are really really anxious about this, is there a another mutual friend you have together that can get some information out of him about his dating situation and if he was looking at anyone is specific!!!

Best of luck Fatima, i am sure you will be fine! :)

#12 Fatima F

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Posted 06 February 2012 - 11:44 AM

View Postemmaloves30stm, on 05 February 2012 - 12:03 PM, said:

Oh Fatima the perils of dating/love.  I think everyone goes through this dilemma in some part of their life maybe even more than once.  

I have had the same dilemma when I was about 17 and I had like this guy for about 7 month.  It turned he didn't like me in that way and yeah it is embarassing at first but you get up, brush yourself off and become stronger from the situation.  It is just a part of growing up and have life experiences.

If you are really really anxious about this, is there a another mutual friend you have together that can get some information out of him about his dating situation and if he was looking at anyone is specific!!!

Best of luck Fatima, i am sure you will be fine! :)

Thanks for the encouragement Emma, it means a lot... :)

Actually no, there aren't any reliable mutual friends in here, though I'm pretty sure he's not dating anyone.
The truth is, I don't even know if he's looking for a relationship and that's where that 'mutual friend' can help.
The situation here, at least at my university, is pretty much like 'Gossip Girl' :D, but in an extreme version. I mean people are just waiting for someone to make a move and so they begin the gossips and chatters and allegations which aren't even true. And I HATE THIS... That's why I'm seriously concerned about being humiliated. These people can ruin someone's life...

I think I'm making too many excuses for each of your replies guys. I want you to know that I truly appreciate your opinions and will take them as soon as I realize the time is right!
Thanks again!! ;)

#13 aseaofstars

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Posted 20 February 2012 - 03:38 AM

its normal and okay to tell a guy how you feel. Worst case he doesnt have the same feels but atleast you told him and dont have any regrets and what if I hadnt. I know im late posting this how did things turn out what did you do?

#14 Fatima F

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Posted 20 February 2012 - 01:35 PM

View Postaseaofstars, on 20 February 2012 - 03:38 AM, said:

its normal and okay to tell a guy how you feel. Worst case he doesnt have the same feels but atleast you told him and dont have any regrets and what if I hadnt. I know im late posting this how did things turn out what did you do?

Thanks for your comment! :) I'm so grateful for all the support people show here. I agree with your opinion too, but as I've said before, he's my classmate so if things turn out the way they shouldn't, I'm gonna have to live with this shame (!) for 2 more years... :-S
Well, I'm waiting for the right time to start a conversation with him. We were on holidays for 2 weeks before the new semester began. But somehow, he spends most of his time with his close friends whom I don't know a lot and I have to find the right place & time where he's alone so I can come up with something that indirectly shows him my intention.
Wish me luck and thanks again! :)

#15 Fatima F

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Posted 04 March 2012 - 07:32 AM

Ok, here's what happened...
Last week my friend and I decided to call some other friends and plan a hike for the weekend (I need to clarify that in my country, Thursdays and Fridays are weekends). We agreed on 5 girls and 5 guys. Due to friendships with other invitees, I had to invite the first guy that I had a crush on. But I also suggested my friend to ask the second guy (she has no idea that I like him), cuz I figured it might be a good chance to build up a friendship. And to my surprise, he agreed to come.
So we went out, and things turned out to be absolutely fantastic!!! Not only we talked a lot and had so much fun, but also we kept on going to different places after the hike with two others while the rest decided to go home. I mean, I could never dream of anything like that, our friendship ran up from nothing to something BIG, I believe!
But since then, I've become paranoid. I have a lot of different thoughts in my mind, I've already went through all the stuff that happened that day for like 10 times and tried to figure out what any of those minutes meant. And it's driving me crazy cuz I think I'm going through the same expectations and situations that I went through the first time, and I am going to be disappointed once again, and to be honest I can't take it.
I know that my mind is going ahead of me but I can't control it. I saw the guy at university a few times in the past two days, but we just nodded and passed.
Argh.... Why should I be this pathetic?!?!

#16 terisaraioer

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